Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Flaky People
I need to vent. I'm getting so tired of dealing with a flaky individual. Over last weekend, I proposed the idea of getting together with said individual for this weekend. This person said that would be good. So now tonight, I went to pencil in the official plan, and guess what... No response... Nothing... This individual has done this to me on multiple occasions in the past. "Oh, I'll FaceTime you" and doesn't. "Oh, I'll FaceTime you" and doesn't again. We will get together for lunch, and I will let you know "forsure" (all one word for some reason). Guess what... When I go to ask for the time, I don't hear back. Said person sends a message saying "I'm bored", so then I tell this person that I'll come visit, and then they say "Oh, I need to get this done soon". Don't they realize how much it sucks to leave me hanging? How dishonest and misleading this sounds? Not only is it frustrating, but it also makes me feel like I'm worthless also. This person claims to "love" me (friends and nothing more I think anyway) but their actions sometimes don't back that up. This same individual has also said that they'll miss me, but that they'll miss their other friend more... It all comes back to finding QUALITY friends. This person seems to have some personal issues. I've got my problems, and I know it, but at least I own up to my faults and don't try to blame it on other people. Maybe this person is trying to get me to chase them, but I'm running out of breath and need to give up on this said chase. And I cannot ask this person, as this person doesn't take criticism very well, and says something along the lines of that I don't know what they are going through and that it is also none of my business. It took me a while, but I think this person really does want me as a friend, but I have to wonder if there's a motive, and if this person really wants this friendship or just wants someone to talk to when it's convenient for them... Or perhaps if this person has some other underlying issue that makes them panic and bail out. I wish this said individual would be more up-front and not try to cover up whatever it is. I'm so confused!
Friday, December 11, 2015
My Next Thing to Tackle
So, here's the next thing I've got to work on.
I hate being left out. You'd think after being excluded for most of my life over and over, I'd be used to it. I was left out throughout school, and it has continued into adulthood. But you just never get used to it. Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward. Maybe it's because I don't fit in. Maybe it's because I may be a risk to cause conflicts. Maybe it's because people don't like me. Maybe it's not my business. Maybe I'm being led on. Maybe other people are manipulators. Maybe other people are fakes. Maybe other people just plain and simply suck. I wish I knew the answer. Maybe it's all of the above. It leaves a hole in my heart every time, and it's even more painful when someone tries to hide the fact that they're excluding you by quietly leaving you out with no explanation why, and then clearly catching the people in the act. But if I ever question it, then it will always somehow be my fault. So I either live with the heartache or I be alone, which still leaves me with heartache. I lose either way. I wish I could just have that friend that wouldn't exclude me… That always wants me around. That actually enjoys my presence. That doesn't push me away. That actually is committed to spending time with me. That wouldn't plan to exclude me. That wouldn't contradict what they say with their actions or lack thereof. So... With all of that being said, this enters my next challenge that I need to tackle. Finding some people in my life that I can spend time with and enjoy, consistently. Where I don't feel like I suck. That I can actually see face-to-face. Outside of a few people maybe, I'm going to have to do this on my own. If I can succeed with this, other good things should follow. I got past hating life, now I need to find ways to enjoy life. So I guess in a round-about sort of way, I would benefit from expanding my friendships and definitely adding some new ones.
I hate being left out. You'd think after being excluded for most of my life over and over, I'd be used to it. I was left out throughout school, and it has continued into adulthood. But you just never get used to it. Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward. Maybe it's because I don't fit in. Maybe it's because I may be a risk to cause conflicts. Maybe it's because people don't like me. Maybe it's not my business. Maybe I'm being led on. Maybe other people are manipulators. Maybe other people are fakes. Maybe other people just plain and simply suck. I wish I knew the answer. Maybe it's all of the above. It leaves a hole in my heart every time, and it's even more painful when someone tries to hide the fact that they're excluding you by quietly leaving you out with no explanation why, and then clearly catching the people in the act. But if I ever question it, then it will always somehow be my fault. So I either live with the heartache or I be alone, which still leaves me with heartache. I lose either way. I wish I could just have that friend that wouldn't exclude me… That always wants me around. That actually enjoys my presence. That doesn't push me away. That actually is committed to spending time with me. That wouldn't plan to exclude me. That wouldn't contradict what they say with their actions or lack thereof. So... With all of that being said, this enters my next challenge that I need to tackle. Finding some people in my life that I can spend time with and enjoy, consistently. Where I don't feel like I suck. That I can actually see face-to-face. Outside of a few people maybe, I'm going to have to do this on my own. If I can succeed with this, other good things should follow. I got past hating life, now I need to find ways to enjoy life. So I guess in a round-about sort of way, I would benefit from expanding my friendships and definitely adding some new ones.
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