Flaky People

I need to vent. I'm getting so tired of dealing with a flaky individual. Over last weekend, I proposed the idea of getting together with said individual for this weekend. This person said that would be good. So now tonight, I went to pencil in the official plan, and guess what... No response... Nothing... This individual has done this to me on multiple occasions in the past. "Oh, I'll FaceTime you" and doesn't. "Oh, I'll FaceTime you" and doesn't again. We will get together for lunch, and I will let you know "forsure" (all one word for some reason). Guess what... When I go to ask for the time, I don't hear back. Said person sends a message saying "I'm bored", so then I tell this person that I'll come visit, and then they say "Oh, I need to get this done soon". Don't they realize how much it sucks to leave me hanging? How dishonest and misleading this sounds? Not only is it frustrating, but it also makes me feel like I'm worthless also. This person claims to "love" me (friends and nothing more I think anyway) but their actions sometimes don't back that up. This same individual has also said that they'll miss me, but that they'll miss their other friend more... It all comes back to finding QUALITY friends. This person seems to have some personal issues. I've got my problems, and I know it, but at least I own up to my faults and don't try to blame it on other people. Maybe this person is trying to get me to chase them, but I'm running out of breath and need to give up on this said chase. And I cannot ask this person, as this person doesn't take criticism very well, and says something along the lines of that I don't know what they are going through and that it is also none of my business. It took me a while, but I think this person really does want me as a friend, but I have to wonder if there's a motive, and if this person really wants this friendship or just wants someone to talk to when it's convenient for them... Or perhaps if this person has some other underlying issue that makes them panic and bail out. I wish this said individual would be more up-front and not try to cover up whatever it is. I'm so confused!

My Next Thing to Tackle

So, here's the next thing I've got to work on.

I hate being left out. You'd think after being excluded for most of my life over and over, I'd be used to it. I was left out throughout school, and it has continued into adulthood. But you just never get used to it. Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward. Maybe it's because I don't fit in. Maybe it's because I may be a risk to cause conflicts. Maybe it's because people don't like me. Maybe it's not my business. Maybe I'm being led on. Maybe other people are manipulators. Maybe other people are fakes. Maybe other people just plain and simply suck. I wish I knew the answer. Maybe it's all of the above. It leaves a hole in my heart every time, and it's even more painful when someone tries to hide the fact that they're excluding you by quietly leaving you out with no explanation why, and then clearly catching the people in the act. But if I ever question it, then it will always somehow be my fault. So I either live with the heartache or I be alone, which still leaves me with heartache. I lose either way. I wish I could just have that friend that wouldn't exclude me… That always wants me around. That actually enjoys my presence. That doesn't push me away. That actually is committed to spending time with me. That wouldn't plan to exclude me. That wouldn't contradict what they say with their actions or lack thereof. So... With all of that being said, this enters my next challenge that I need to tackle. Finding some people in my life that I can spend time with and enjoy, consistently. Where I don't feel like I suck. That I can actually see face-to-face. Outside of a few people maybe, I'm going to have to do this on my own. If I can succeed with this, other good things should follow. I got past hating life, now I need to find ways to enjoy life. So I guess in a round-about sort of way, I would benefit from expanding my friendships and definitely adding some new ones.

What's Going On?

As many of you know, I have been going through some tough times. I am going to explain. For the better part of 12 years, I have struggled with depression. For that amount of time, and perhaps longer, I have had struggles with anxiety. Both are crippling things that I would not wish on anyone. My depression comes and goes in waves, and my latest struggle with it began around June. My depression and anxiety has created so much misery for me, especially in the past, and it has for others as well. I have lost friends because of it.

For the first time, I decided to get help, so I went to the doctor in early September, and I have now been prescribed with a generic of Zoloft. Now this as expected has not performed miracles, but then again, it could take anywhere from 3-6 weeks before it is working at 100%. I have a follow-up appointment coming up in a few weeks. It has helped, which is a start. I haven’t felt as down; I’ve been more motivated to do things, and when I do get upset, I find myself bouncing back quicker than before. But don’t get me wrong, I still have some bad days, and I’ve been having at least one or two of those each week, but it’s better than six or seven per week.

It has also helped with my anxiety. I still have anxiety though, and quite frequently, but I don’t notice my heart racing out of my chest nearly as often, and I don’t seem to be having that wobbly feeling in my legs anymore. It seems to be more manageable.

That said, like so many people who struggle with these things, this are permanent. It will never go away. People who say that it will go away are wrong. It is something that must be dealt with for the remainder of my life, but it’s just figuring out ways to manage it and make it do-able. So one of my goals has been getting “better” and finding better ways to handle it. Progress is being made there.

But I have another goal that’s also important to me. I’d like to build better and closer friendships. It’s something that’s lacking, and I think I deserve to have it. But the problem is, with a person who has a lot of anxiety problems, and at times struggles socially, where does a guy like me even go? Where do I start? A bar or a club is not the place for me, and I’m just plain and simply not that outgoing and probably will never be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want some close friends because I really do.

And as far as an actual “relationship” goes, meh, if it happens, it happens. I’ve been in one before, and I wouldn’t be opposed to that again, but I would hope it would be the right girl if it is. The last one was not. I don’t imagine myself with someone who would truly be crazy about me. I just don’t picture it. I guess I’d believe that when (and if) I’ll see that. But either way, that’s neither here nor there. What’s most important to me at this point is building close friendships. The few friends I do have, some of them may want to do that as well, and others may not. Some will want to put in the effort, and some may not. Shoot, maybe none of them will want to. But that’s okay, I’m wanting some new friends too, and I should put some focus there.

Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. There may be more updates to come.