What's Going On?

As many of you know, I have been going through some tough times. I am going to explain. For the better part of 12 years, I have struggled with depression. For that amount of time, and perhaps longer, I have had struggles with anxiety. Both are crippling things that I would not wish on anyone. My depression comes and goes in waves, and my latest struggle with it began around June. My depression and anxiety has created so much misery for me, especially in the past, and it has for others as well. I have lost friends because of it.

For the first time, I decided to get help, so I went to the doctor in early September, and I have now been prescribed with a generic of Zoloft. Now this as expected has not performed miracles, but then again, it could take anywhere from 3-6 weeks before it is working at 100%. I have a follow-up appointment coming up in a few weeks. It has helped, which is a start. I haven’t felt as down; I’ve been more motivated to do things, and when I do get upset, I find myself bouncing back quicker than before. But don’t get me wrong, I still have some bad days, and I’ve been having at least one or two of those each week, but it’s better than six or seven per week.

It has also helped with my anxiety. I still have anxiety though, and quite frequently, but I don’t notice my heart racing out of my chest nearly as often, and I don’t seem to be having that wobbly feeling in my legs anymore. It seems to be more manageable.

That said, like so many people who struggle with these things, this are permanent. It will never go away. People who say that it will go away are wrong. It is something that must be dealt with for the remainder of my life, but it’s just figuring out ways to manage it and make it do-able. So one of my goals has been getting “better” and finding better ways to handle it. Progress is being made there.

But I have another goal that’s also important to me. I’d like to build better and closer friendships. It’s something that’s lacking, and I think I deserve to have it. But the problem is, with a person who has a lot of anxiety problems, and at times struggles socially, where does a guy like me even go? Where do I start? A bar or a club is not the place for me, and I’m just plain and simply not that outgoing and probably will never be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want some close friends because I really do.

And as far as an actual “relationship” goes, meh, if it happens, it happens. I’ve been in one before, and I wouldn’t be opposed to that again, but I would hope it would be the right girl if it is. The last one was not. I don’t imagine myself with someone who would truly be crazy about me. I just don’t picture it. I guess I’d believe that when (and if) I’ll see that. But either way, that’s neither here nor there. What’s most important to me at this point is building close friendships. The few friends I do have, some of them may want to do that as well, and others may not. Some will want to put in the effort, and some may not. Shoot, maybe none of them will want to. But that’s okay, I’m wanting some new friends too, and I should put some focus there.

Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. There may be more updates to come.