As many of you know, I have been going through some tough
times. I am going to explain. For the better part of 12 years, I have struggled
with depression. For that amount of time, and perhaps longer, I have had
struggles with anxiety. Both are crippling things that I would not wish on
anyone. My depression comes and goes in waves, and my latest struggle with it
began around June. My depression and anxiety has created so much misery for me,
especially in the past, and it has for others as well. I have lost friends
because of it.
For the first time, I decided to get help, so I went to the
doctor in early September, and I have now been prescribed with a generic of
Zoloft. Now this as expected has not performed miracles, but then again, it
could take anywhere from 3-6 weeks before it is working at 100%. I have a
follow-up appointment coming up in a few weeks. It has helped, which is a start.
I haven’t felt as down; I’ve been more motivated to do things, and when I do
get upset, I find myself bouncing back quicker than before. But don’t get me
wrong, I still have some bad days, and I’ve been having at least one or two of
those each week, but it’s better than six or seven per week.
It has also helped with my anxiety. I still have anxiety
though, and quite frequently, but I don’t notice my heart racing out of my
chest nearly as often, and I don’t seem to be having that wobbly feeling in my
legs anymore. It seems to be more manageable.
That said, like so many people who struggle with these
things, this are permanent. It will never go away. People who say that it will
go away are wrong. It is something that must be dealt with for the remainder of
my life, but it’s just figuring out ways to manage it and make it do-able. So
one of my goals has been getting “better” and finding better ways to handle it.
Progress is being made there.
But I have another goal that’s also important to me. I’d
like to build better and closer friendships. It’s something that’s lacking, and
I think I deserve to have it. But the problem is, with a person who has a lot
of anxiety problems, and at times struggles socially, where does a guy like me
even go? Where do I start? A bar or a club is not the place for me, and I’m
just plain and simply not that outgoing and probably will never be. But that
doesn’t mean I don’t want some close friends because I really do.
And as far as an actual “relationship” goes, meh, if it
happens, it happens. I’ve been in one before, and I wouldn’t be opposed to that
again, but I would hope it would be the right girl if it is. The last one was
not. I don’t imagine myself with someone who would truly be crazy about me. I
just don’t picture it. I guess I’d believe that when (and if) I’ll see that. But
either way, that’s neither here nor there. What’s most important to me at this
point is building close friendships. The few friends I do have, some of them
may want to do that as well, and others may not. Some will want to put in the
effort, and some may not. Shoot, maybe none of them will want to. But that’s
okay, I’m wanting some new friends too, and I should put some focus there.
Anyway, enough of my rambling for now. There may be more updates to come.
