So, here's the next thing I've got to work on.
I hate being left out. You'd think after being excluded for most of my life over and over, I'd be used to it. I was left out throughout school, and it has continued into adulthood. But you just never get used to it. Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward. Maybe it's because I don't fit in. Maybe it's because I may be a risk to cause conflicts. Maybe it's because people don't like me. Maybe it's not my business. Maybe I'm being led on. Maybe other people are manipulators. Maybe other people are fakes. Maybe other people just plain and simply suck. I wish I knew the answer. Maybe it's all of the above. It leaves a hole in my heart every time, and it's even more painful when someone tries to hide the fact that they're excluding you by quietly leaving you out with no explanation why, and then clearly catching the people in the act. But if I ever question it, then it will always somehow be my fault. So I either live with the heartache or I be alone, which still leaves me with heartache. I lose either way. I wish I could just have that friend that wouldn't exclude me… That always wants me around. That actually enjoys my presence. That doesn't push me away. That actually is committed to spending time with me. That wouldn't plan to exclude me. That wouldn't contradict what they say with their actions or lack thereof. So... With all of that being said, this enters my next challenge that I need to tackle. Finding some people in my life that I can spend time with and enjoy, consistently. Where I don't feel like I suck. That I can actually see face-to-face. Outside of a few people maybe, I'm going to have to do this on my own. If I can succeed with this, other good things should follow. I got past hating life, now I need to find ways to enjoy life. So I guess in a round-about sort of way, I would benefit from expanding my friendships and definitely adding some new ones.
After reading ur posts I feel as I could have written most of them myself. Sadly you aren't alone with ur struggles. I think you are just more brave and post it for others to read. You have also taken steps to help yourself. Counseling, meds...does it seem to help? It is something I know I need to do but can't bring myself to do it. For some of us the world is a very lonely place. The last 4 years I have felt very out of place and resent being left out of a lot of things. I honestly think the world has changed a good deal and people are more into themselves than ever before. The only time you hear from them is when they need something or they have nothing better to do. Not blaming anyone as I'm just as quilty. But think it's something society needs to work on as a whole. We have all seemed to lose the importance of spending quality time together as friends and family. Texting and Facebook don't count. Just know you are not alone and if u figure out how to be truly happy will you let me know. Cause it's been a long time since I have been there myself.
ReplyDeleteTo this point, I haven't pursued counseling. The meds have definitely helped to kick the depression, and I encourage you to explore that as an option. It's a very gradual thing, so it isn't noticeable day-to-day, but when you look at where you are at now to where you were then, you can definitely tell that the meds made a difference. Keep in mind that it doesn't correct the problem, it just makes it more tolerable. I'm glad I got that figured out before we lost granny. Not sure how I would have kept myself together otherwise. And I agree... We are all guilty of it, but this society has become self-centered. Me first, others second. I just hate being excluded, and I just don't know why, but I normally have been historically. It hurts when I find out that my supposed friends have been spending time together without me, especially when I expressed interest with them that I wanted to spend time with them, and then yet, when I ask for their plans, they say nothing because they have plans to spend time with their other friends without me. I will let you know as I continue to fight through this thing for what I find out that works, but I definitely would encourage you to check into getting on anti-depressants. It's been a good starting point for me,
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